Sometime ago, a good friend of mine from North America sent me a
message saying "hi, ugly boy” and I replied, "hello beautiful lady”
without giving it a real thought. But if it were some six, seven years before
now, it would have got me thinking and depressed, blaming God for making me
ugly and perhaps my mom for settling for my father whom I look exactly like.
Talking about some six, seven years ago; when I was still in high school; a
remarkable event took place, a self-esteem war that changed my name to
"Sule, The Ugly Cheche."It was a Lully morning in the school premises
after a show of shame with a group of girls, my classmates who had to fight for
their beautiful friend, Esther, whom I became an embarrassment to just by
asking her out. I was in SSS 3 and preparing for my final exams when it
happened, they raised the chorus "Sule,
Ugly Cheche" and invited junior students to back them up, their song
was a sharp arrow, it pierced my heart and reduced me to a toy but I became
madder that the guys standing could not stop them. All of them faulted me thus
I was lonely and helpless in midst of crowd.
Prior to that time, I lived with the consciousness that I was
very ugly, I didn’t ask any girl out; I thought they belong to the handsome
ones, a group I thought I didn't belong. I felt really left out whenever girls
says "I want a tall and handsome
guy" I thought I was ugly and not as tall anyway but when Esther
joined the school, I had an uncontrollable feeling for her and thus she became
the first girl I ever asked out. I always feel she won't like me because of my
ugly appearance so I resorted to writing letter judging from the fact that I
was one of the best English students of our set. After a couple of solomonic
epistles without a single response, I decided to confront her along the road at
ST. John primary school where I usually play football with my friends but not
even my well combed hair could buy her attention, she severally ignored me as
if I didn’t exist and that was the beginning of shameful end.
She had a somewhat playboy boyfriend but because I felt he was
handsome and of course taller than I was. His appearance was always a dagger to
my heart but, on the other hand he never felt I existed, he never saw me as a
threat. He even at some point came to visit Esther in the school and it crushed
my heart as she walked toward him by the gate. After several of rejections by
Esther and that mockery song from her friends, I fought serious war with my
self-esteem.
Even as a boy, I took mirrors to school, I turned all
reflections to mirrors, I robbed powder and even lip-gloss at some point just
to be sure I look good but anytime I look, I saw "Sule, the Ugly Cheche"and had to try even harder. Was simply
suffering from Body dimorphic disorder (BDD) and with that, I could never look
good to myself until I decided to believe I am handsome and not ugly as I was
made to see it.
After my high school, I lived with that consciousness for years,
I didn't ask girls out and because I was a church boy, people thought I was
only being Holy but the fact was that I was suffering in silence. I often
concluded the girls would say No! So I saw no reason why I should ask them out
and get the same kind of embarrassment I got in high school.
Fortunately for me, I got to read some books that helped me grow
and take control of my mind, I got to understand that, for my beauty to be in
the eyes of the beholder, it must be in my mind and reflect on my carriage.
This means I must find out and believe in my uniqueness and project it to
people. Then they call me names like Sule-Igbira, Ode, Mumu, Ugly Cheche and
Agena-sule all equivalent to imbecile or dullard but that was what my carriage
projected to people.
Now I hear names like Genius, Intelligent Young Man, Rare-gem,
Handsome and my personality is now so intimidating that guys now see me as a
big threat when it comes to getting the female folk unlike then, when Toyosi
cared not about my existence. Now girls get annoyed if I don’t hug them
outside, they feel belittled if I ignore them, they want me to hang my hands
around their necks as we walk down the street because they want to be
identified with me.
The new names and acceptance isn't because I'm rich or I'm a
superstar yet but because I am proud of the Man I am and refused to be let down
by people's careless talks. I also hear statements like, he is full of himself,
he's proud and arrogant but I understand why they come: if you discover your real self, people will feel intimidated and say
you are proud.
The worst danger low self-esteem pose is that it take you away
from the image of God; you won't believe in yourself (your freewill,
creativity, initiatives, giving love and acceptance of love) as it was in my
case, I couldn’t give love or accept love because I believed I wasn’t perfectly
created and that's low self-esteem which makes me envy others and became sinful
under the law.
Remember my appearance never changed but, the names and
receptions did. This is because I have self-respect; I hardly get tempted to
compare myself with others and if I’m tempted I look at my importance (abilities
and uniqueness) and stabilize my self-esteem. No matter who you are, what
you've achieved, and where you've been to, you can't intimidate me and I can
celebrate you without envy knowing full well we don't have the same destiny and
even if we do, we won't fulfill it at the same time.
Written by Soul'e Rhymez
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