DATING AND HEARTBREAK

Has it ever occurred to you that most once dated never end up as friends?

In fact most of them ended up as worst enemies.  At this, I couldn’t help, but ask why until recently. Experience they say is the best teacher and even though I didn't need it to learn my lessons, it takes two to tangle.

On a fairy note Christie and I started what looked like my first ever relationship–dating just a few months ago. She expressed her desire to be my Girl, I didn't ask her out, but I needed to play along because there is always something to gain in every relationship. We had it good for some time, she loved my company and she was a true lover. She forced my first kiss on me, she took advantage of the injury in my mouth to get her wish, that was painful, but it showed she was in love. However, Christie started asking me about our future and I always told her to enjoy the moment while it last. She wasn’t pleased with that; she wanted more assurance, but I was only being sincere since I couldn’t tell what the future held.

 

In less than three months we were apart like river Niger and Benue without any hope of meeting at a confluence. She drew away from me, she acted like we are couples divorced based on irreconcilable differences, but I chose not to bother myself about her exit, I only decided to know why she left and began to see me as the worst guy she ever met.

She blocked all my access to her including Facebook and WhatsApp; she refuses to answer my calls for awhile and graduated to rejecting them.

All I wanted to know was why she left so I could learn from them and move on so when I had the opportunity to meet her, she treated me like a trash, but I needed to stay humble to learn a lesson worthwhile, maybe not for myself, but for other daters out there.

From her words, Christie actually left me for one reason: too much expectation from the relationship which I was always realistic of not being sure I would meet.

Like most girls, Christie believed our relationship must lead to marriage and knowing I am one guy too busy to think about marriage, she left thinking we had no future together.

She now see me as an enemy, she doesn’t talk to me and stays mute if I made such attempt. She’s definitely bitter, thinking I used her and dumped her despite she came and left on her own.  She threatens to finish me; she’s regretting to have fallen so cheap for me, a statement she never forget to mention.

Why couldn’t she enjoy the fact that we loved each other?

Why does she see me as enemy and threatened me even as she decided to leave on her own?

Does it mean she never loved me?

With too much expectation in relationships, dating and heartbreak has become a loving couple who can't live without each other, once you are dating with too much expectations, heartbreak is inevitable. The vulnerable in any relationship envisions heartbreak. The law of attraction brings what you sub-consciously expect, but heartbreak has a different cause.

Cheating and eventual breakup causes heart break for the vulnerable in any relationship, they feel jilted; used and dumped.

The vulnerable in any relationship is always the giver who attaches too much expectation to giving.

In dating, they are the ones that fall in love and strangle the reality in desperation to be with someone they love; however, the law of eventuality always helps reality stand firm and more glaring.

After been severally strangled, he comes back to life and breaks the heart of his strangler whose expectations are never met.

Unrealistic expectations is one major cause of heartbreak in dating, courting or whatsoever name people choose to give intimate relationships before marriage and even marriage.

In Christie’s case, she expected marriage and even though she loved me, she couldn’t enjoy the moment because she considered it waste of time without any future, she belongs to the school of thought that intimate relationships must lead to marriage. Talking with a lady in her mid 40s who is yet to marry and hoped to, she told me “if a guy comes to me, I ask what he wants and if it is not marriage I let him go. I can’t date at my age, I want a serious thing.”

I look at the lady and realized she was her own problem, yet she keeps disturbing God in the name of praying and fasting to give her husband. She’s overly focused on marriage that she cannot enjoy her love life which might eventually lead to marriage.

One problem with people with unrealistic expectations is that they fail to realize the people they want might also have such expectations and they might not fit in.

Another example is a close clan in his early 40s who still keep searching for life partner, He wants a God fearing and perfect Lady, but fail to realize such lady will also want a God fearing and perfect man. After they discover he’s not God fearing, they leave. Unfortunately for him, all of these ladies never strangled reality to go a long with him; thus he remain single and continue to tell people he has not found the right woman without realizing the right woman might have come, but he was never the right man.

I know another woman in her mid-40s who say the only guys that appeal to her are intelligent guys, if you are not then you are out and since she only measure intelligence by academic qualification and eloquent speaking,  she can’t help, but continue to be disappointed.

These people create static mind frames and anyone who does not fit into those frames is unqualified. If they seem to fit in and are accepted, once they can’t sustain it, the relationships will fizzle out and they remain disappointed and heartbroken.

Desperation is another thing that leads to heartbreak in relationships, those who subscribe to the belief that marriage is a remarkable achievement and a measure of how responsible they are, are always under pressure to get married at certain ages. The society put a lot of pressure on them to get married and with them wanting to live by people’s measurement of being responsible, they become too desperate to settle down with anyone that's ready for marriage.

This is why a lady will say to a guy she only wants marriage and always be bothered about the future of their relationship, but unknown to them, men reads their desperations and take advantage of them to get what they want. They enjoy themselves while the lady feels jilted and used.

It never occurred to these ladies that, that a relationship is intimate (involves sex) does not mean it must lead to marriage. They accuse the guys of what they both enjoyed and feel used for willingly giving their bodies.

It’s bad the vulnerable ones are taken advantage of, but no thanks to them for thinking they can make their partners marry them by being extra-nice and giving their bodies.

One should be smart enough to know that no one knows the future, that’s why marriage is different because despite the uncertain future, you have made vow to be together. Telling Christie to enjoy the moment while it last does not mean I planned to dump her, in fact I have not been involved with any other girl since she left; I was just being real. I believe we only have today and we should enjoy it, so even if tomorrow brings what we do not expect, we can always look back to those moments and be happy we enjoyed them in love together. This is not the same with lovers nowadays, they expect their partners to control the future and make it work for them when they themselves have no power over it. Expectation of marriage and not getting it is the most reason why once dated don’t always become friends, because the other party is feeling used and betrayed.

It’s so disgusting whenever I hear people say they are used and dumped after breaking up from an intimate relationship, If you are not raped or charmed to be in love with someone and you break up complaining you have been used and dumped then you need a psychologist perhaps a brain surgeon. Something is definitely wrong with your mind and self-esteem and this wrongness could be traced to too much and unrealistic expectation from such relationship.

Until people stop believing all intimate relationship must lead to marriage, heartbreaks and tales of betrayer will never seize to exist. Sexual feeling towards someone is a type of love known as Eros in Greek and it might never translate to Agape or other types of love. So if all a man feel for you is Eros, which is to enjoy the moment with you and you expect marriage, you will end up disappointed. Can two walk together unless they agree?

However, no man wants to date a woman without Eros in mind so how do you get the best without disappointment?

Since Eros is inevitable in intimate relationship and might not translate to other types of love, the best is for all lovers to savour their best moments together when they can whether in marriage or not and not expect any compensation in return later, not even marriage. Love they say is a beautiful thing, but its beauty in dating will only last for long if it is not burdened with unrealistic expectations and selfish gains which leads to desperation and eventually turn best friends to worst enemies.

However, for the religious ladies that are trained not to enjoy the moment with their lovers until they are married, they tend to keep Eros until wedding night and if they gave it out, they expect marriage as compensation. They will always be disappointed because Eros will never guarantee marriage and no level of spirituality will make a man not think of it towards a woman he claims to love, it is the foundation stone of such relationship.

If you believe sex is exclusive to the married, don’t even date, but if you do, no matter how many times you have sex and how you do it, it will be stupid for you to think it must lead to marriage. Eros is just one type of love that can be extracted from relationship if needed to make other aspects of it work; it does not have to always end relationships.

Another cause of heartbreak whether one expects marriage or not in any intimate relationship is cheating. This is even more reason why lovers break up. However, the attachment that makes you feel cheated when your partner give more attention, love and is romantically involved with another person is not caused by love, it is caused by selfishness, an attribute of pride and this contradicts selflessness, a virtue that makes it possible to love the other person.

According to the book titled IMAGE OF GOD, a book written by Soul’e Rhymez, one of the world’s finest philosophers of 21^st century, pride is defined as essence of existence. This is why a woman feels betrayed and demoralized if a man cheats on her, it is easy with women whose sense of pride has been crippled by nature, but it’s not the same with men because they have sub-consciously placed a greater percentage of their pride on their partners and thinks they only belong to them.

Jealousy set in, not because of love, but because of their misplaced pride which they try to protect; love does not aid jealousy, pride does.

Marriage is one human invention that encourages such misplacement of pride, a man sees his wife as his pride and vice versa; thus if anyone hurts or tries to take them away, they defend them with all they have. Defending one’s lover is more profitable if done out of love than if it is out of pride, however in marriage, it is almost impossible not to defend one’s partner out of pride.

Thus in order to enjoy your love life, expect nothing and don’t feel you deserve more than you are getting from your lover even though it is wise to ask for more. Just love because you want to, get what you want from your lover at the moment, but never expect eventual compensation.

Don’t be in a relationship because you want to marry your partner, be there because of love.

Do not see your partner as yours, if not you will end up with heartbreak.

Don’t lay too much emphasis on marriage, it is not the right measure of being responsible and should not be, it is just for the sake of morality.

Never place your pride on sex or your virginity too, it can be very dangerous. If you lose them, move on and never feel devaluated. To learn more on this watch out for an article titled SEX: THE SACRED NONSENSE written by Soul’e Rhymez.

Enjoy your love, enjoy the moment and hand the future over to God.